“Why don’t they just leave?” A question asked to many victims, but one that is rarely ever answered. On average it takes seven times of leaving and coming back before a victim of domestic violence will leave for good (National Domestic Violence Hotline, n.d). Leaving takes an immense amount of strength and courage. Each victim has their own story, their own reasons, their own beliefs on why they choose to leave or stay.
“The fact that many victims do leave or seek help is truly remarkable in light of the many barriers they face” (Domestic Violence Coordinating Council, n.d). Some of the most common barriers to leaving a domestic violence situation center around safety and the belief that they will not be able to ensure they are physically, emotionally, and financially safe. For many, their relationship is the only stability in their lives, leaving means the potential for homelessness for themselves, their children, and their pets. It also means losing their relationship with their perpetrator, and for many this is the only relationship they have left, due to isolation from the perpetrator. This relational loss can be detrimental because they truly care for and love the perpetrator regardless of the damage and chaos. They may also be the only support the victim has left in their lives.
There also includes a multitude of barriers to leaving based on demographics,
“...barriers to leaving are often exacerbated for Black, Asian, minority ethnic and immigrant women through immigration laws, cultural norms and values, religion, racism, and issues of diversity and representation within frontline services, which all serve to hinder women’s attempts to leave abusive relationships” (Hulley et al., 2023).
Many times those who are in the United States illegally will not report domestic violence or leave the situation because they are worried about deportation. Another piece is culture and religion; victims often feel that it is against their religious or cultural beliefs to break up their home or leave their perpetrator.
For three years, I, Alyssa, was one of the twelve million a year that experiences domestic violence. I was the one asked why I didn’t just leave. My answer was simple, I didn’t want to break up my family, he had isolated me from my family and all I knew. I loved him immensely, and I dealt with a lot of shame surrounding what was going on. It wasn’t the torn ACL, the broken fingers and toes, or my destroyed property that was the final straw. For me, it was the black eye and fractured orbital and the embarrassment of everyone assuming what it was from, and they were right. There is no right or wrong way or time to leave, there is no right or wrong reason to leave either, all that there has to be is a desire for better for the victim, their children, and their pets.
For those of us who have survived, we have done what many before us could not, or have not been able to do. We have endured and came out of the ashes a new, better, stronger person. Barriers are just that, things standing in the way of our success. The more aware of the barriers a victim becomes, and finds the support needed to remove their barriers, the more likely they are to leave. It isn’t an easy decision, as nothing ever is. But the freedom that comes with cutting the strings of domestic violence is something worth way more than the pain that is endured from staying.
Written by Alyssa Wisby
Citations
Domestic Violence Coordinating Council. (n.d). Dynamics of Domestic Violence.https://dvcc.delaware.gov/background-purpose/dynamics-domestic-abuse/
Hulley J, Bailey L, Kirkman G, Gibbs GR, Gomersall T, Latif A, Jones A. (2023). Intimate Partner Violence and Barriers to Help-Seeking Among Black, Asian, Minority Ethnic and Immigrant Women: A Qualitative Metasynthesis of Global Research. Trauma Violence Abuse, 24(2),1001-1015. doi: 10.1177/15248380211050590.
National Domestic Violence Hotline. (n.d). Domestic Violence Statistics. https://www.thehotline.org/stakeholders/domestic-violence-statistics/#:~:text=An%20average%20of%2024%20people,course%20of%20a%20single%20year.
National Domestic Violence Hotline. (n.d). 50 Obstacles To Leaving. https://www.thehotline.org/resources/get-help-50-obstacles-to-leaving/#:~:text=On%20average%2C%20it%20takes%20a,regain%20control%20over%20their%20victim.
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